The Last Human Broadcast

Today the internet taught me that i have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. My symptoms are extended periods of total exhaustion, and short term memory loss. According to the Center For Disease Control, the danger of continuing to live with Chronic Fatigue Syndrom is that if one's naps get too long, one may eventually sleep through an entire human life cycle and wake up, all alone, in the distant future.

The only thing that i can find wrong with this, besides one or two members of my family dying, is that the i pod I just bought will be totally out dated. I already live in fear of that, and I'm only sleeping nine hour nights. I emptied half my savings for the damned thing! How in the hell am i supposed to scrape together the money for a new one? How can I even be sure that I'll still carry the correct currency? What if they use hologram money in the future? And you know that those apple care warranty bitches will never cut me a break.

This is the letter that Chris wrote in response:


Dear Cameron:

Thank you for your fine email. I appreciate what you have to say and have carefully considered and attempted to understand your concerns. Aaron's story was just that, Aaron's story. It is his personal experience. In telling it, I am sure that his understandings are reflections which are exclusive to him and his journey through the Mormon church. It is only one person's experience and should not be generalized.

Sadly, the Mormon church has a policy regarding gay people that is similar to those of other right-wing Christian churches.

I can indeed see that your faith is precious to you, and that you cherish it, as you say. But please understand that I am not attacking your faith. My battle is with homophobia and the non-acceptance of gay people. I believe that those things are a much better threat to faith than my arguments could ever be. I see them (faith and homophobia) as being two separate things that have been wrongly intertwined.

Years ago, racism was as central to Christianity as homophobia is to it today. The KKK was considered a Christian organization. But now we look back and realize that racism has nothing to do with faith, and the idea is ridiculous to us.

My vision is for a day when people don't misuse faith to shun and exclude people who are gay. My vision is that all churches, including the Mormon church, will fully accept and integrate gay and lesbian people into their lives and practices. See: http://www.affirmation.org/

You wrote something that I found very interesting. You said, "We (Mormons) are not a pack of sex obsessed monsters, as easy and as convenient as that is for you to believe." It is interesting because your statement makes me realize that perhaps you as a Mormon and myself as a gay man are fighting the same perception! Ignorance and misinformation is indeed a detriment to all people.

You also say, "Your painting us as one-dimensional does you no credit..." Again, as a gay person, that has been my feeling, that society and the church has painted us as one-dimensional. That's the way it is with any prejudice. The humanity of the person is denied in favor of a one-dimensional stereotype. You know a lot more about the experience of gays and lesbians that you know. I am still amazed at how many people I hear from who send me emails and apparently believe that my life is all about a particular sex act.

I laugh because I wake up in the morning, catch a NYC bus to the office, start my work, answer emails, do a lot of writing, talk to my friends, read more of a book, go to lunch, do more work, get dinner, rent a movie, catch the bus back home, then relax, watch TV then go to bed and do the same thing all over again. It's weird how I can present an argument about gay rights and the only thing a certain type of person sees is a sexual act. Oh well.

I believe that sexual sin is indeed the third most grievous sin in Mormon doctrine. You say that adultery ("heterosexual or homosexual") is. However, in your doctrine, there is no way for a gay person to act sexually without being guilty. There's a huge double standard there. A heterosexual can marry and have sex within the "acceptance" bonds of marriage, but anytime a gay person has sex, they are guilty. A heterosexual has an option to act sexually, while a gay person simply has none. This is unacceptable to me.

However, I did research, and, based upon this, I made a small change in Aaron's story. I changed the previous line which is:

Worse, I grew up a Mormon and was taught that homosexuality was equivalent to murder and was the third greatest sin.

to...

Worse, I grew up a Mormon and was taught that sexual sin was the third greatest sin.

I hope that you consider the new line to be more accurate regarding your faith. My desire is, indeed, truth. I do believe that you are mistaken when you say that homosexuality is not mentioned in the Book of Mormon. Please correct me if this citation is in error: 2 Nephi: "Homosexuality (the sin of Sodom) is evil". 13:9

Again, thank you for taking the time to write your heartfelt email. I assure you that my motives are pure. I seek justice for gay and lesbian people, and I believe that it can be attained by separating homophobia from the faith.

I hope you had a good Mission!

Regards,
Chris
www.fallwell.com

So, this is the letter I wrote in response to Aaron's story.



I realize that this may never be read, but as a group
who seeks so vigorously to be accurately represented
and understood, it hurts your case to misrepresent
others.

I finished reading your "x gay" letter from an ex
communicated member of the mormon church. I
sympathize with him, and understand that his struggle
must have been immensely difficult.

His struggle and obvious resentent of the church,
however understandable, gives him no excuse to
intentionally misrepresent it. I suggest that if you
use his letter as a persuasive tool, you get your
facts straight. Otherwise, you look as bad as those
fundamentalists whose beliefs and methods you protest,
and stoop to their level in combatting them with
rumors, lies, and a formative "pre existing prejudice"
(to use your site's language).

I am a returned missionary, and a life long member of
the Mormon church. While I agree that there exists
much prejudice and misunderstanding in the community
of the church as concerns gay people, we are not a
pack a sex obsessed monsters, as easy and as
convenient as that is for you to believe. And the
church is certainly not on a witch hunt. It is an
institution with beleifs and standards, which attempts
to help those with desires to live them to do so.
Your painting us in one dimension does you no credit,
and weakens your argument.

Let me correct a couple of the many misrepresentations
that Aaron (if he grew up a member of the church)
knowingly presented.

1) The church and the missionary program do not ask
and have no policy encouraging Elders to stand outside
the bathroom to wait upon their companions. While
such an arrangement could have been made at the
suggestion of Aarons fellow elders or leaders, it is
not common, and is not church policy. I served a
full, two year mission, as did many of my closest
friends, and none of us has ever heard of such a
policy being implemented. It sounds strange to us.

2) Homosexuality is in not the third most grevious
sin in Mormon Docitrine. Adultry is. Sex (hetero or
homosexual) which occurs outside the bonds of marriage
is considered grevious, and is scripturally marked as
the sin second only to the shedding of blood. Aaron's
suggesting that that particular doctrine has ever been
taught in the way he presented it is a blatant lie
that i must assume he created to shape his stories
fictional antagonaist in an image suiting his
assertions (facts twisted to justify a pre existing
prejudice). Regardless our disagreements concerning
the role of sex in human life, let us be fair to one
another concerining them.

Nowhere in Mormon scripture are gays set aside and
persecuted. Nowhere in The Book of Mormon is
homosexuality even mentioned. Aaron knows this, and
was trying to present us falsely to strengthen his
point. He does it often in his letter, and as I said,
to anyone who knows, it hurts your case. At any rate,
it makes you no better than those whose views and
methods you oppose.

Please do not paint our docrtine an off white. It is
the most cherished thing I posess. I am fully aware
of the struggle that homosexual members of my church
face. I live in the heart of San Francisco, and have
close, openly gay relatives. The church does not
approve of mistreating homosexual people, and has
implimented no policy to persecute and demean them.
Don not let your site confuse doctrine with culture.
I wish you success in your attempt to be understood.
Please assist me in mine.

Regards,

Cameron Pipkin

Ok, the following is a conversation that I had with Chris, a gay rights activist who has made national headlines recently over his website, "fallwell.com", which argues for gay rights, and speaks out against the Reverend's Jerry Falwell's anti-gay crusade. If you know anything about Jerry Falwell, you will know that 1) He does not spell his name "fallwell" (two L's in fall), and 2) he is the tie that binds all those scary southern baptists.

At any rate, the press says that he is filing suit against Chris, claiming false something or other and defamatory something or other (Paul could clarify), over the supposed use of Falwell's name to support a gay, anti Falwell wesite. Out of curiousity, and of course, because I myself am a sweating, closet homosexual, I went to Chris's website, www.fallwell.com. I didnt see anything particularly memorable until I arrived at a link called the "Story of an X Gay". Boy, sounds like a dream come true, so I opened the letter.

What I found was yet another inflammatory piece of slander-trash aimed at the Mormon church. The kind of careless account that an angry half wit with few intelligent complaints would produce. Guy probably graduated at the bottom of his Valiant A class. We've all seen it a million times.

At any rate, what i found ironic was the fact that this apparent sympathy piece did exactly what the website sought to put a stop to. Unjustly defame an entire group of people, in this case, the Mormon chruch.

Now, ever since I saw my best friend shot to death while standing up for caffeinated beverage consumptoin on BYU's tuesday soapbox, I have steered clear of open, public debate. I dont want to be that person, you know, the one that wont shut up about the stupidest crap at the most inopportune moments. But this letter so thoroughly pissed me off, that i had to say something. Additionaly, I knew that this site would be getting alot of traffic, so I put aside my duties at work, and wrote a letter to Chris. This is the letter that so inflamed me:



The story of an "ex-gay."
Aaron's Story


I tried to change my sexual orientation by joining an ex-gay ministry, and here is my story.

I knew growing up that I was gay (or at least suspected). I imagined intimacy with males from age 6 on and was surprised when I found out about straight sex at age 12. It did not seem natural to me.

My only experiences with gayness was occasional negative glimpses on the TV. Either the character was evil, a murderer, or dying of AIDS.

Worse, I grew up a Mormon and was taught that sexual sin was the third greatest sin. I figured that prayer and obedience would fix my feelings. I had committed no sin, and hopefully it would go away.

When I was 19, I decided to go on a mission. I still had not told anyone about my feelings, so the Church sent me to France on a missionary assignment.

I had to live with male companions for twenty-four hours a day. The Mormon Church is so obsessed with sex that they even tell missionaries to stand outside the bathroom door to make sure their ministry companion is not committing self-abuse, or masturbation.

I had extremely close relationships with my companions except, of course, for intimate acts.

But my feelings that I was a homosexual increased. I worked, fasted, prayed, and read scriptures, but this did not change anything.

I started feeling my faith slip away. If my homosexuality was a test from God, it was awfully cruel and daunting. No other missionary I knew was having such a difficult problem to overcome a "test" from God.

When I was 21, I had stomach problems and left my mission a month early. I went to a doctor back in the states who said my illness was caused by stress.

I went to a psychiatrist and told him that I felt I was gay, and he told me to confront the Church.

Next, I went to the Bishop and told him. He was shocked and sent me to a Mormon psychiatrist who was associated with Evergreen, the Mormon Church's equivalent to Exodus International, an ex-gay program.

He said that my problem with homosexuality was due to a lack of self control.

The psychiatrist told me not to masturbate. He claimed that it would only make me more homosexual. He commanded me to pray fervently (as though I hadn't done this!), hang around straight men, play sports, and sing hymns in my head.

This did not help, so he suggested hypnosis, but the thoughts continued.

We then started aversion therapy. He told me to imagine pictures of maggots and sores invading my skin anytime I thought of men sexually.

The psychiatrist was getting frustrated at me at this point because I wasn't changing from gay to straight. He said that I was not doing enough.

Back at Church, somehow the word got out that I was gay. I was not longer allowed to be around children, prepare sacraments, or even pray in the church. People became scared of me. Longtime friends refused to associate with me any longer.

The psychiatrist at this point told me to try electroshock therapy. He said in severe cases like mine it was the only way. I refused.

Then, the Church excommunicated me.

Even though they knew I had done nothing sexual, they put me on trial and questioned me. They asked me questions about sexual acts that I had never even heard of. I was shocked.



From trying to "change" to accepting myself

Seven years ago, I finally accepted the fact that I am a gay man and that there is nothing wrong with me. I am so glad I have because my life is so much better than ever before!

Sadly, a friend who was enrolled in the same ex-gay ministry committed suicide after 2 years of electroshock.

He had burns on his arms where they would shock him for showing sexual response to pictures. They even had him get married and have children in an effort to become heterosexual.

Instead, he was visiting parks and alleys for sex. He injected himself with drugs and left behind two beautiful young daughters. I could have been him.

Now, I have a friend who is enrolled in an ex-gay program called "Evergreen". He used to be in one called "Love in Action", but that didn't work.

None of it does.

I see him on the same road as me and my dead friend. Hopefully, he will realize that people like Jerry Falwell are just plain wrong.

Most sadly, one of the things I lost was a faith in God. I could not understand the hatred and discrimination brought upon gay people by individuals who are supposed to be Christian and loving.

I'm thinking that my boss skipped all the impressive parts of my resume and hired me on the strength of my head shot, because he continues to treat me like a monkey.

I'm just waiting for him to come in with matching bow ties and top hats.

The box that carried the laser jet cartridge I ordered for the printer at work claimed in bold ink that the object contained within was "smart."

Naturally, I assumed that it was a human child, and checked to see if the sender had punctured air holes in the top. No air holes, ok. Well then, either the human child had been sent dead, or had died on the trip over.

My hands shook with excitement as I cut the packing tape and peeled back the flaps...



What! A laser jet printer cartridge?!

Son of a bitch.

My friend Paul Gruwell owns a baby seal fur pillow. When he first showed it to me, i thought it was faux fur, like the ones that hollywood starlets parade around at cocktail parties. But Paul, either sensing my confusion or accustomed to justifying this particular accessory to everyone who sees it, proceeded to explain to me that this was not, as it appeared, a false seal fur. Rather, it was 100 percent "organic", found and purchased on ebay. Well, not "found", I guess. I'm sure that it must've been "found" where all other baby seal furs are found; beaten and skinned out of a wide eyed, weeping animal.

At any rate, perhaps out of guilt, Paul launched into a ten minute monologue describing the how and why surrounding the pillow. I'm not going to repeat what he told me, because i don't think that the man should have to explain himself.

Now, if I were on an arctic cruise, I wouldn't hang over the rail of the shuffle board deck with a club, hoping to run ashore on an ice drift full of sleeping baby seals. I've got no blood vendetta out for zoo animals. But am I gonna lose any sleep over other people killing them? No.

And more than anything, it really burns me that my dear, dear friend, whose character I so admire, has come under relentless attack for a square yard of dead seal fur.

Can any of us doubt that given ten fingers and fully developed frontal lobe, most baby seals would be cruising the ice patch in human skin coats, hats, and booties? Have you ever read about a person found dead at home, whose corpse had been nearly picked to the bone by their pet cat? The beauty of the animal kingdom is that it doesn't sentimentalize to the point that it can no longer perform its primary function; self preservation. So don't hate Paul for getting to the seal before the seal had the chance to get to him.

Once again, on my way to work this morning and I noticed the San Francisco Chronicle's front page out of the corner of my eye. This, with maybe a slight thumbing through of Google News, makes up about the extent of my current event consumption. Jesus is coming, why would I bother myself with details that will soon be washed into the furnace?

At any rate, I most often decide whether I'll spend my precious time sorting through Google News based upon how violently the headlines of the Chronicle grab me.

I don't remember this mornings headline exactly, but it depicted a bunch of old men in suits standing close to each other, opening and closing their mouths. No way that was gonna grab me, unless they were being marched into a gas chamber.

So, completely disappointed, I walked to work.

Am I the only one who, on news days like this, wishes that something ungodly would happen?

Remember how well that Tsunami a year back kept us distracted? Why, I must have clicked to stories about it at least a dozen times during the work day. It gave me a reason to pay attention to the television at the neighborhood chinese market where I eat lunch. I peeked at it from around my annual output spreadsheet. My day just zipped by, which is great, because the last jet in my bathtub shit out a week ago, and long work days give me cramps.

And then, talking about it later with friends and being able to say that I was there for the most terrible natural disaster in the history of the WORLD! 200,000 people dead. 200,000! Its like when the Red Sox won the series in '04. Some people go their entire lives without seeing anything like it.

Just now, writing about it, I got goosebumps.

So why cant I have Tsunamis every day? I'm looking through the paper now, lets see... what've I got. The Alito hearings? Who the hell is that? Is he a chainsaw murderer? Please tell me that he's a chainsaw murderer. I know that you wouldn't waste the front page of your newspaper on anything less than a gruesome sorority massacre.

So I just wish that something interesting would happen. Like why cant a troop of cub scouts fall into a garden mulcher, or old people get hit by monster trucks, or why cant a terrorist set off a nuke in some city I don't live in?

If I were in charge of the news, I would make sure that people got what they wanted. With 6 billion people on the planet, what are the chances that no one got chain saw massacred today? Really? Not a single man, woman, or child? News folks, its your job to find that person for me. Fuck the Dow Jones.

So I guess that until I'm in charge I'll just have to wait for something terrible to happen in my own life, or in the lives of my neighbors for entertainment, and I can't think of a single person I know who owns a chainsaw.

Come one news sources of America. This should be easy. Just find a bunch of people dying, aim your cameras, and shoot.

I came to be informed. Do your job.