Monday, April 24, 2006
Chris's Story Part 1
Ok, the following is a conversation that I had with Chris, a gay rights activist who has made national headlines recently over his website, "fallwell.com", which argues for gay rights, and speaks out against the Reverend's Jerry Falwell's anti-gay crusade. If you know anything about Jerry Falwell, you will know that 1) He does not spell his name "fallwell" (two L's in fall), and 2) he is the tie that binds all those scary southern baptists.
At any rate, the press says that he is filing suit against Chris, claiming false something or other and defamatory something or other (Paul could clarify), over the supposed use of Falwell's name to support a gay, anti Falwell wesite. Out of curiousity, and of course, because I myself am a sweating, closet homosexual, I went to Chris's website, www.fallwell.com. I didnt see anything particularly memorable until I arrived at a link called the "Story of an X Gay". Boy, sounds like a dream come true, so I opened the letter.
What I found was yet another inflammatory piece of slander-trash aimed at the Mormon church. The kind of careless account that an angry half wit with few intelligent complaints would produce. Guy probably graduated at the bottom of his Valiant A class. We've all seen it a million times.
At any rate, what i found ironic was the fact that this apparent sympathy piece did exactly what the website sought to put a stop to. Unjustly defame an entire group of people, in this case, the Mormon chruch.
Now, ever since I saw my best friend shot to death while standing up for caffeinated beverage consumptoin on BYU's tuesday soapbox, I have steered clear of open, public debate. I dont want to be that person, you know, the one that wont shut up about the stupidest crap at the most inopportune moments. But this letter so thoroughly pissed me off, that i had to say something. Additionaly, I knew that this site would be getting alot of traffic, so I put aside my duties at work, and wrote a letter to Chris. This is the letter that so inflamed me:
The story of an "ex-gay."
Aaron's Story
I tried to change my sexual orientation by joining an ex-gay ministry, and here is my story.
I knew growing up that I was gay (or at least suspected). I imagined intimacy with males from age 6 on and was surprised when I found out about straight sex at age 12. It did not seem natural to me.
My only experiences with gayness was occasional negative glimpses on the TV. Either the character was evil, a murderer, or dying of AIDS.
Worse, I grew up a Mormon and was taught that sexual sin was the third greatest sin. I figured that prayer and obedience would fix my feelings. I had committed no sin, and hopefully it would go away.
When I was 19, I decided to go on a mission. I still had not told anyone about my feelings, so the Church sent me to France on a missionary assignment.
I had to live with male companions for twenty-four hours a day. The Mormon Church is so obsessed with sex that they even tell missionaries to stand outside the bathroom door to make sure their ministry companion is not committing self-abuse, or masturbation.
I had extremely close relationships with my companions except, of course, for intimate acts.
But my feelings that I was a homosexual increased. I worked, fasted, prayed, and read scriptures, but this did not change anything.
I started feeling my faith slip away. If my homosexuality was a test from God, it was awfully cruel and daunting. No other missionary I knew was having such a difficult problem to overcome a "test" from God.
When I was 21, I had stomach problems and left my mission a month early. I went to a doctor back in the states who said my illness was caused by stress.
I went to a psychiatrist and told him that I felt I was gay, and he told me to confront the Church.
Next, I went to the Bishop and told him. He was shocked and sent me to a Mormon psychiatrist who was associated with Evergreen, the Mormon Church's equivalent to Exodus International, an ex-gay program.
He said that my problem with homosexuality was due to a lack of self control.
The psychiatrist told me not to masturbate. He claimed that it would only make me more homosexual. He commanded me to pray fervently (as though I hadn't done this!), hang around straight men, play sports, and sing hymns in my head.
This did not help, so he suggested hypnosis, but the thoughts continued.
We then started aversion therapy. He told me to imagine pictures of maggots and sores invading my skin anytime I thought of men sexually.
The psychiatrist was getting frustrated at me at this point because I wasn't changing from gay to straight. He said that I was not doing enough.
Back at Church, somehow the word got out that I was gay. I was not longer allowed to be around children, prepare sacraments, or even pray in the church. People became scared of me. Longtime friends refused to associate with me any longer.
The psychiatrist at this point told me to try electroshock therapy. He said in severe cases like mine it was the only way. I refused.
Then, the Church excommunicated me.
Even though they knew I had done nothing sexual, they put me on trial and questioned me. They asked me questions about sexual acts that I had never even heard of. I was shocked.
From trying to "change" to accepting myself
Seven years ago, I finally accepted the fact that I am a gay man and that there is nothing wrong with me. I am so glad I have because my life is so much better than ever before!
Sadly, a friend who was enrolled in the same ex-gay ministry committed suicide after 2 years of electroshock.
He had burns on his arms where they would shock him for showing sexual response to pictures. They even had him get married and have children in an effort to become heterosexual.
Instead, he was visiting parks and alleys for sex. He injected himself with drugs and left behind two beautiful young daughters. I could have been him.
Now, I have a friend who is enrolled in an ex-gay program called "Evergreen". He used to be in one called "Love in Action", but that didn't work.
None of it does.
I see him on the same road as me and my dead friend. Hopefully, he will realize that people like Jerry Falwell are just plain wrong.
Most sadly, one of the things I lost was a faith in God. I could not understand the hatred and discrimination brought upon gay people by individuals who are supposed to be Christian and loving.
At any rate, the press says that he is filing suit against Chris, claiming false something or other and defamatory something or other (Paul could clarify), over the supposed use of Falwell's name to support a gay, anti Falwell wesite. Out of curiousity, and of course, because I myself am a sweating, closet homosexual, I went to Chris's website, www.fallwell.com. I didnt see anything particularly memorable until I arrived at a link called the "Story of an X Gay". Boy, sounds like a dream come true, so I opened the letter.
What I found was yet another inflammatory piece of slander-trash aimed at the Mormon church. The kind of careless account that an angry half wit with few intelligent complaints would produce. Guy probably graduated at the bottom of his Valiant A class. We've all seen it a million times.
At any rate, what i found ironic was the fact that this apparent sympathy piece did exactly what the website sought to put a stop to. Unjustly defame an entire group of people, in this case, the Mormon chruch.
Now, ever since I saw my best friend shot to death while standing up for caffeinated beverage consumptoin on BYU's tuesday soapbox, I have steered clear of open, public debate. I dont want to be that person, you know, the one that wont shut up about the stupidest crap at the most inopportune moments. But this letter so thoroughly pissed me off, that i had to say something. Additionaly, I knew that this site would be getting alot of traffic, so I put aside my duties at work, and wrote a letter to Chris. This is the letter that so inflamed me:
The story of an "ex-gay."
Aaron's Story
I tried to change my sexual orientation by joining an ex-gay ministry, and here is my story.
I knew growing up that I was gay (or at least suspected). I imagined intimacy with males from age 6 on and was surprised when I found out about straight sex at age 12. It did not seem natural to me.
My only experiences with gayness was occasional negative glimpses on the TV. Either the character was evil, a murderer, or dying of AIDS.
Worse, I grew up a Mormon and was taught that sexual sin was the third greatest sin. I figured that prayer and obedience would fix my feelings. I had committed no sin, and hopefully it would go away.
When I was 19, I decided to go on a mission. I still had not told anyone about my feelings, so the Church sent me to France on a missionary assignment.
I had to live with male companions for twenty-four hours a day. The Mormon Church is so obsessed with sex that they even tell missionaries to stand outside the bathroom door to make sure their ministry companion is not committing self-abuse, or masturbation.
I had extremely close relationships with my companions except, of course, for intimate acts.
But my feelings that I was a homosexual increased. I worked, fasted, prayed, and read scriptures, but this did not change anything.
I started feeling my faith slip away. If my homosexuality was a test from God, it was awfully cruel and daunting. No other missionary I knew was having such a difficult problem to overcome a "test" from God.
When I was 21, I had stomach problems and left my mission a month early. I went to a doctor back in the states who said my illness was caused by stress.
I went to a psychiatrist and told him that I felt I was gay, and he told me to confront the Church.
Next, I went to the Bishop and told him. He was shocked and sent me to a Mormon psychiatrist who was associated with Evergreen, the Mormon Church's equivalent to Exodus International, an ex-gay program.
He said that my problem with homosexuality was due to a lack of self control.
The psychiatrist told me not to masturbate. He claimed that it would only make me more homosexual. He commanded me to pray fervently (as though I hadn't done this!), hang around straight men, play sports, and sing hymns in my head.
This did not help, so he suggested hypnosis, but the thoughts continued.
We then started aversion therapy. He told me to imagine pictures of maggots and sores invading my skin anytime I thought of men sexually.
The psychiatrist was getting frustrated at me at this point because I wasn't changing from gay to straight. He said that I was not doing enough.
Back at Church, somehow the word got out that I was gay. I was not longer allowed to be around children, prepare sacraments, or even pray in the church. People became scared of me. Longtime friends refused to associate with me any longer.
The psychiatrist at this point told me to try electroshock therapy. He said in severe cases like mine it was the only way. I refused.
Then, the Church excommunicated me.
Even though they knew I had done nothing sexual, they put me on trial and questioned me. They asked me questions about sexual acts that I had never even heard of. I was shocked.
From trying to "change" to accepting myself
Seven years ago, I finally accepted the fact that I am a gay man and that there is nothing wrong with me. I am so glad I have because my life is so much better than ever before!
Sadly, a friend who was enrolled in the same ex-gay ministry committed suicide after 2 years of electroshock.
He had burns on his arms where they would shock him for showing sexual response to pictures. They even had him get married and have children in an effort to become heterosexual.
Instead, he was visiting parks and alleys for sex. He injected himself with drugs and left behind two beautiful young daughters. I could have been him.
Now, I have a friend who is enrolled in an ex-gay program called "Evergreen". He used to be in one called "Love in Action", but that didn't work.
None of it does.
I see him on the same road as me and my dead friend. Hopefully, he will realize that people like Jerry Falwell are just plain wrong.
Most sadly, one of the things I lost was a faith in God. I could not understand the hatred and discrimination brought upon gay people by individuals who are supposed to be Christian and loving.
# posted by American Cowboy @ 4:36 PM 
