Monday, February 27, 2006
To My Brother Paul, With Whom I Slept
My friend Paul Gruwell owns a baby seal fur pillow. When he first showed it to me, i thought it was faux fur, like the ones that hollywood starlets parade around at cocktail parties. But Paul, either sensing my confusion or accustomed to justifying this particular accessory to everyone who sees it, proceeded to explain to me that this was not, as it appeared, a false seal fur. Rather, it was 100 percent "organic", found and purchased on ebay. Well, not "found", I guess. I'm sure that it must've been "found" where all other baby seal furs are found; beaten and skinned out of a wide eyed, weeping animal.
At any rate, perhaps out of guilt, Paul launched into a ten minute monologue describing the how and why surrounding the pillow. I'm not going to repeat what he told me, because i don't think that the man should have to explain himself.
Now, if I were on an arctic cruise, I wouldn't hang over the rail of the shuffle board deck with a club, hoping to run ashore on an ice drift full of sleeping baby seals. I've got no blood vendetta out for zoo animals. But am I gonna lose any sleep over other people killing them? No.
And more than anything, it really burns me that my dear, dear friend, whose character I so admire, has come under relentless attack for a square yard of dead seal fur.
Can any of us doubt that given ten fingers and fully developed frontal lobe, most baby seals would be cruising the ice patch in human skin coats, hats, and booties? Have you ever read about a person found dead at home, whose corpse had been nearly picked to the bone by their pet cat? The beauty of the animal kingdom is that it doesn't sentimentalize to the point that it can no longer perform its primary function; self preservation. So don't hate Paul for getting to the seal before the seal had the chance to get to him.
At any rate, perhaps out of guilt, Paul launched into a ten minute monologue describing the how and why surrounding the pillow. I'm not going to repeat what he told me, because i don't think that the man should have to explain himself.
Now, if I were on an arctic cruise, I wouldn't hang over the rail of the shuffle board deck with a club, hoping to run ashore on an ice drift full of sleeping baby seals. I've got no blood vendetta out for zoo animals. But am I gonna lose any sleep over other people killing them? No.
And more than anything, it really burns me that my dear, dear friend, whose character I so admire, has come under relentless attack for a square yard of dead seal fur.
Can any of us doubt that given ten fingers and fully developed frontal lobe, most baby seals would be cruising the ice patch in human skin coats, hats, and booties? Have you ever read about a person found dead at home, whose corpse had been nearly picked to the bone by their pet cat? The beauty of the animal kingdom is that it doesn't sentimentalize to the point that it can no longer perform its primary function; self preservation. So don't hate Paul for getting to the seal before the seal had the chance to get to him.
On a News Day Like This, Walter Kronkite Would Have Slain a Nun
Once again, on my way to work this morning and I noticed the San Francisco Chronicle's front page out of the corner of my eye. This, with maybe a slight thumbing through of Google News, makes up about the extent of my current event consumption. Jesus is coming, why would I bother myself with details that will soon be washed into the furnace?
At any rate, I most often decide whether I'll spend my precious time sorting through Google News based upon how violently the headlines of the Chronicle grab me.
I don't remember this mornings headline exactly, but it depicted a bunch of old men in suits standing close to each other, opening and closing their mouths. No way that was gonna grab me, unless they were being marched into a gas chamber.
So, completely disappointed, I walked to work.
Am I the only one who, on news days like this, wishes that something ungodly would happen?
Remember how well that Tsunami a year back kept us distracted? Why, I must have clicked to stories about it at least a dozen times during the work day. It gave me a reason to pay attention to the television at the neighborhood chinese market where I eat lunch. I peeked at it from around my annual output spreadsheet. My day just zipped by, which is great, because the last jet in my bathtub shit out a week ago, and long work days give me cramps.
And then, talking about it later with friends and being able to say that I was there for the most terrible natural disaster in the history of the WORLD! 200,000 people dead. 200,000! Its like when the Red Sox won the series in '04. Some people go their entire lives without seeing anything like it.
Just now, writing about it, I got goosebumps.
So why cant I have Tsunamis every day? I'm looking through the paper now, lets see... what've I got. The Alito hearings? Who the hell is that? Is he a chainsaw murderer? Please tell me that he's a chainsaw murderer. I know that you wouldn't waste the front page of your newspaper on anything less than a gruesome sorority massacre.
So I just wish that something interesting would happen. Like why cant a troop of cub scouts fall into a garden mulcher, or old people get hit by monster trucks, or why cant a terrorist set off a nuke in some city I don't live in?
If I were in charge of the news, I would make sure that people got what they wanted. With 6 billion people on the planet, what are the chances that no one got chain saw massacred today? Really? Not a single man, woman, or child? News folks, its your job to find that person for me. Fuck the Dow Jones.
So I guess that until I'm in charge I'll just have to wait for something terrible to happen in my own life, or in the lives of my neighbors for entertainment, and I can't think of a single person I know who owns a chainsaw.
Come one news sources of America. This should be easy. Just find a bunch of people dying, aim your cameras, and shoot.
I came to be informed. Do your job.
At any rate, I most often decide whether I'll spend my precious time sorting through Google News based upon how violently the headlines of the Chronicle grab me.
I don't remember this mornings headline exactly, but it depicted a bunch of old men in suits standing close to each other, opening and closing their mouths. No way that was gonna grab me, unless they were being marched into a gas chamber.
So, completely disappointed, I walked to work.
Am I the only one who, on news days like this, wishes that something ungodly would happen?
Remember how well that Tsunami a year back kept us distracted? Why, I must have clicked to stories about it at least a dozen times during the work day. It gave me a reason to pay attention to the television at the neighborhood chinese market where I eat lunch. I peeked at it from around my annual output spreadsheet. My day just zipped by, which is great, because the last jet in my bathtub shit out a week ago, and long work days give me cramps.
And then, talking about it later with friends and being able to say that I was there for the most terrible natural disaster in the history of the WORLD! 200,000 people dead. 200,000! Its like when the Red Sox won the series in '04. Some people go their entire lives without seeing anything like it.
Just now, writing about it, I got goosebumps.
So why cant I have Tsunamis every day? I'm looking through the paper now, lets see... what've I got. The Alito hearings? Who the hell is that? Is he a chainsaw murderer? Please tell me that he's a chainsaw murderer. I know that you wouldn't waste the front page of your newspaper on anything less than a gruesome sorority massacre.
So I just wish that something interesting would happen. Like why cant a troop of cub scouts fall into a garden mulcher, or old people get hit by monster trucks, or why cant a terrorist set off a nuke in some city I don't live in?
If I were in charge of the news, I would make sure that people got what they wanted. With 6 billion people on the planet, what are the chances that no one got chain saw massacred today? Really? Not a single man, woman, or child? News folks, its your job to find that person for me. Fuck the Dow Jones.
So I guess that until I'm in charge I'll just have to wait for something terrible to happen in my own life, or in the lives of my neighbors for entertainment, and I can't think of a single person I know who owns a chainsaw.
Come one news sources of America. This should be easy. Just find a bunch of people dying, aim your cameras, and shoot.
I came to be informed. Do your job.
